I often have not felt deserving of my life accomplishments.

When offered a director title, I told myself, “I’m not fit to be a director.”

When asked to deliver a keynote speech, I told myself, “I’m not qualified to speak.”

When setting freelance rates, I told myself, “My work doesn’t align with the pay I want.”

I’m learning to accept praise and remember all my accomplishments were earned. It’s challenging and requires daily positive self-talk. I’m working on my confidence.

I guess this comes as a surprise to many. I like to think I portray myself as confident on social media. I do. But I also write affirmations in my journal and talk to myself in the mirror like Issa Dee. I’ve experienced enough gaslighting in my life that my confidence eroded. I started believing I don’t deserve good things.

We often hear the term gaslighting. It originates from the play-turned-movie Gaslight. Too long; didn’t read: a husband tries to steal his wife’s inheritance by manipulating her into thinking she’s crazy so she will admit herself into a mental institution. He manipulates by continuously dimming the gas lights in their home. Whenever she points out the dimmed lights, he says it’s all in her head.

“I never said that. When did I say that? You’re imagining things.”

These are commonly used phrases by a manipulator. I know this because I reunited with therapy when finding my strength to leave a toxic partnership. Anyone who has fortunately avoided manipulative partnerships or friendships may think, “It’s not hard. You deserve better. Just leave.” Manipulators create a false reality to make you feel needed and also meaningless and powerless without them (read: trauma bond). It’s harder than you think.

So, I re-started therapy to heal the parts of my life sabotaging my confidence, keeping me in unhealthy cycles, and negatively affecting my mental health. I did a self-guided course with a best friend and together we discovered and unpacked deep-rooted issues and patterns. Through these exercises I realized I not only had a pattern of unhealthy partnerships but also unhealthy workplaces.

My lack of confidence was because a partner made me feel powerless and undeserving of good things. I realized so did past jobs.

“My current company constantly tells me how good I have it and I would regret it if I left. They tell me, ‘No one will pay you as much. No other company will treat you as well as we do. You don’t realize how lucky you have it.’”
— Anonymous

If you currently work in, previously worked, or have tried to work in sports, you know there are too many barriers of entry. It’s a challenging industry to get into and stay in. Plus there’s not much room to grow. Many get discouraged and pivot elsewhere. Those of us given a chance are told to “be grateful because so many people want your job.”

I’ve heard this before. Employers say it thinking you’ll feel special and inspired to work. Actually, you feel disposable. Maybe that’s the intent. The problem is the statement leaves you questioning yourself, and any person who — intentional or not — makes you question yourself is gaslighting.

What makes gaslighting terrifying is it’s hard to see. You can know the flags to look for and still be unsure. Manipulation damages the ability to trust your instincts. Meaning, you may question if the gaslighting is really gaslighting or if you’re overthinking it because you can’t trust your own judgment. So we push through even if the work affects us mentally and emotionally.

We do it because we know we’ll be replaced immediately, making you question if you were ever a valuable asset or just a warm body. Because we have a job everyone wants and should “feel lucky” to have it. Because we lack the empowerment and confidence to know we’re talented and deserve better. Because a false reality was created to make us feel meaningless, powerless, and incapable of finding a better job.

We’re in a pattern.

“I constantly felt I had to prove I deserved to be there and began to overthink everything because I was afraid to do anything that reinforced the stereotype [about disabilities] that I was incapable. After a year of trying — and failing — to demonstrate I could do the same tasks as my coworkers, I walked away. Three years later, I still get nervous in professional settings and at times wonder if I’ll be able to make it in the sports industry.”
— Anonymous

I chose to go freelance as (mainly) summarized in this tweet coupled with the allure of being your own boss. Though it didn’t take long to learn that — as any business owner knows — freelance requires way more confidence than I realized.

I’m often asked how I find confidence to pursue freelance work. It always makes me laugh. I don’t? I’m also asked how I determined my value to set rates. I laugh more.

Within the first month of freelance I spiraled about my worth as a strategist, creator, and on-air host. Almost every day I questioned my decision and if I’d succeed on my own. I also questioned if others see my potential; and if I even know my potential. I started going through hypothetical scenarios in my head of not making it, running out of money, and being considered a failure. As my therapist says, I put myself through the pain of negative situations that may never happen.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned in my short time as a freelancer is I’m not the only one figuring it out along the way nor am I the only one questioning if I’m valuable enough.

The thing is: I am valuable. I just have imposter syndrome.

“Almost a year into my [former] job we hired a manager above me. He was never in my corner, never supported me, and made me feel like I had to walk on eggshells. I will never forget receiving a call from him a week before I was let go. He said, ‘This is isn’t the job for you. You’re not good enough.’
I felt so small that I didn’t even argue. I believed what he said and bawled my eyes out the second I got off the phone. That was really the beginning of me losing confidence in myself and the beginning of my imposter syndrome.”
— Anonymous

Imposter syndrome is the belief you are not as competent as others perceive you to be.

My accomplishments within the last year include releasing viral merchandise, creating a podcast, writing a piece for the Washington Post, being featured on local news stations, delivering presentations and speeches, and starting my own business. And yet, when people congratulate me, I brush it off. My usual reply is: “Oh, thank you. You’re just being nice.” It’s part how I was raised and part because I struggle to understand I’m deserving.

I shared my excitement with my therapist when I was asked to give a presentation on athlete branding. I also told her I had overwhelming feelings of imposter syndrome. I felt like a fraud and thought everyone would see it.

“I’m not qualified to speak on this topic. I only work with two athletes.”

She stopped me immediately.

“You work with two athletes. Period. Why add the ‘only’? Remember they reached out to you; not the other way around.”

Word choice matters. I worked hard to remove all toxicity from my life and yet someone was still gaslighting me; the person staring back in the mirror. My friends remind me that my portfolio of work is impressive for someone new to freelance. I’m learning to recognize this and celebrate every win. My support system coupled with my own inner work mean everything to me. They help rebuild the confidence I previously lost both at work and in partnership.

“I have no idea if it's because the sports industry naturally attracts "competitive" people but those front offices can be pits-of-despair-caused-by-limiting-beliefs. You need a strong sense of self and you have to be confident — or at least project confidence.”
— Anonymous

The irony is the people within my support system do it too. They also question their abilities. They see my value but struggle to see theirs. And vice versa. We’re all managing imposter syndrome because we’re all within the ecosystem of sports, a space that is historically unkind and detrimental to many.

A lot of us: settle for unfair pay, are scared to advocate for ourselves, overthink job interviews, question well-deserved promotions, allow being talked down to, are afraid to speak up when harassed, and the common one — stay in jobs making us miserable. Why do you think so many people are freelancing or leaving the industry altogether?

Too many of us have cried in our car on the drive to work. My specialty was crying in the office’s single stall bathroom. Too many of us have had ideas stolen or roadblocks put in place designed to make our jobs difficult. Too many of us have been gaslit.

A systemic-wide lack of empowerment, mentorship, and empathy in the sports industry created a generation of incredibly talented, smart and forward-thinking creatives with imposter syndrome. We’re a talent pool of koi fish swimming around thinking we don’t belong, wondering why luck dropped us in here, and not understanding why our beauty is being admired from the outside.

I once read a tweet I think about often: “Someone once said to me. You think that you don’t belong here and that everyone is smarter than you. But do you really believe you are clever enough to trick all these smart people into thinking that you deserve to be here if you don’t?”

If you find this whole post relatable, I’ll share something my therapist once told me: imposter syndrome is a belief only you told yourself. So practice positive self-talk, show yourself the same kindness you show others, and be mindful of your word choice. Do you call yourself stupid or dumb? Damaged or broken? That you’re a failure or don’t belong? If you say this to yourself enough, you’ll start believing it. You’re gaslighting yourself. Please stop. You’re smart and worthy. You belong.

A lot of friends in the sports space have recently told me they want to leave their full-time jobs to freelance. The common theme is they aren’t confident they’ll succeed; or so they’ve been told. Remember: only the most insecure try to dim the brightest light. There’s no greater feeling than leaving a toxic partnership or workplace. I promise you from experiencing both. It’s so liberating.

“Once you discover the reason you were being gaslit is because the person saw something special in you and tried to hinder you from tapping into it … tap into it. And when you do, know it’s not by chance, or luck, or some random occurrence. You are THAT person and you deserve all the successes coming your way.”
— Anonymous

Like a manipulative partnership, some who don’t understand might wonder why I still work in this space if it’s toxic. “It’s not hard. You deserve better. Just leave.”

I do deserve better — that’s why I went out on my own. I can choose the opportunities I want and say no to those that don’t serve me. I’m learning I don’t have to say yes to every opportunity. I’m learning my time is valuable. And that I’m valuable.

And why haven’t I left? A sports career is something I wanted since I was 18 and I quickly saw the ugly side too many of us find relatable. When I shared on Twitter I planned on writing this piece, I got dozens of messages, texts, and emails from friends sharing their stories. The commonalities in our experiences are disappointing. And far from surprising. I wrote this for them; for us.

I could walk away from sports. I probably should. But I want to affect meaningful change in this space so others can see a promising sports career. So they don’t have to cry in a single stall bathroom at work. So they can find the confidence to set out on their own if they want and advocate for themselves without fear. I want to help create the healthy space we all wanted for ourselves.

Because if I don’t do it, who will? Because if I don’t, the pattern will continue.

Megan Reyes

The Pattern